Why The Irish Aren't That Great

I guess it is up to The Daily Grind to continue this blog war and explain to all the good people out there that the Irish have done only one good thing in their entire history--invent Lucky Charms cereal.

Let's start off with most people's perception of the Irish: Pasty drunkards. This is not a stereotype, this is fact. Think of the most Irish person you know. For me this is my friend Erin. Submitted for your approval:

Ghost white skin? Check

Glossed over look of intoxication? Check

A sense of unearned entitlement? Check

These are the characteristics that define the Irish.

Now let's look at the famous people that Ireland has given us:

Quick: Think of the most self-righteous, pretentious, overrated musician on the planet. Who did you come up with?

If you said Bono then you are correct!

Now before that blowhard Bono came along the most famous musician out of Ireland was Sinead O'Connor. What did she contribute to society? Her best song was a remake of a Prince song, so at least she had the good sense to take a great musician's song, but anybody could do that song and make it great. It's a great song no matter who sings it. What do people remember her the most for? How about her SNL tirade against the pope where she ripped up a picture of him on live TV. When your country is 88% Roman Catholic and your most famous export goes on one of the most popular shows on the planet and debases your people's icon, you know your country is fucked.

Padraig Harrington

You know you come from a sad sack country when your most prestigious "athlete" is a golfer. Let's take a look at Harrington's 3 major wins. 2007 British Open (The Sergio Factor), 2008 British Open (No Tiger), 2008 US Open (No Tiger).

The 2007 British Open was a classic case of choke by one of the all time golf chokers, Sergio Garcia. Sergio had a 3 stroke leading going into the final round, but that was over Steve Stricker. He had a commanding 6 stroke lead over Padraig. No one blows that big of a lead on the final day without it being a choke. Granted, Harrington shot a pretty good 4-under, but Sergio shot 2-over, not exactly what I would call championship caliber. Harrington put on his best Van de Velde impression and posted a double on the final hole, making it so Garcia only had to par the final hole to win. But you can't outchoke a choker and Garcia missed a 10-footer. In the 4 hole playoff Harrington wasn't impressive, shooting even par, but Garica was in his usual form and posted a +1 to throw away the Claret Jug.

Both of Harrington's 2008 wins came when Tiger Woods was not competing because he was recuperating from knee surgery. No Tiger means that it's not even a real tournament nowadays.

Cian O'Connor

You may not recognize this name, but it's ok, because no one except his mother knows who he is. But he is in fact the last Irish person to win an Olympic medal. He is the most recent of 10 medal winners. Only 10 people in the entire history of Ireland in the Olympics have won a medal. How pathetic is that? Even more embarrassing is that this latest gold medal was in show jumping. This is an event where you ride a horse and it jumps over rails. I put it up there in the category of rhythmic gymnastics and badminton. It's not a real sport. Worse yet, O'Connor was later stripped of his gold medal because his horse tested positive for an illegal substance. I don't know how effeminate you have to be to dedicate your life to show jumping, but it's probably more pathetic that you cheat at it.

In fact, the best thing to come out of Ireland was probably Kathy Ireland...oh wait.

St. Patrick's Day

Now let's talk about this waste of a holiday. It's basically an excuse for Irish people to wear green and get drunk. No one actually celebrates St. Patrick, people just celebrate St. Guinness.Now I'm all for having a good time and getting wasted, but you don't need a special day to do it. If the days ends in -y that's a good enough reason for me to drink. And the fact that non-Irish people act like they fucking own this holiday just means that the Irish don't have the self respect to defend their national holiday from foreign invaders. I bet that 9 out of 10 Irish-Americans can't even name what St. Patrick did in Ireland to become so famous.

The true worth of the Irish was best put into word by Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York: "On the seventh day the Lord rested, but before that he did, he squatted over the side of England and what came out of him... was Ireland"