This day began at 9 AM after successfully recovering from the events of the previous night. Normally after a night of heavy drinking I pass out, wake up around 9 and putz around for a couple hours, then go back to bed and wake up good to go. I could not do that today because I had to do laundry before it was time to go to the wedding. I was the date of Miss Surly Erin Swietlik and the ceremony commenced promptly at 2. I putz around, do my laundry, eat a sandwich, yada yada yada, we're off to the ceremony.
The ceremony took place at Bellarmine Chapel on Xavier's campus, fittingly because the couple getting married were both recent Xavier graduates. Erin was their boss at the phonathon and so it was a difficult decision as to which side of the church we would sit on. The usher directed us to the bride's side because we fit in better there. More on that later. Back to the fact that this was in a church. The last time I was in a church was probably Christmas, and I feared I would burst into flames upon crossing the threshold. Thankfully I did not spontaneously combust as I entered. Score another one for the sinners. OK, ceremony time. It's your typical Catholic ceremony complete with joyous songs, the eating of stale bread and the giving of peace. About 10 minutes in my mind goes into wander mode because there's a lot of praying and singing going on, and I only do that when it's Madonna. So I glance down to the floor and notice that Erin has painted her toenails. I ask her if she remembered to paint all 10 of them this time because last time I saw her with her toenails painted she only had 9 of them painted. She says it's because the paint chipped off, but you and I both know that Erin was never very good with numbers and probably forgot how many toes she had. Erin did not like this comment and said she was gonna punch me in the face. This was the first of I think 6 times that she said this to me. Aren't we great together? Anyways, after that we both turned our focus to Amanda and her boyfriend who were sitting on the other side of the church. We both noticed that their hair color looks incredibly similar and we wondered if they went to the same salon to get their hair done. Especially Eric. I think his name was Eric. I was too distracted by the blond locks to pay attention when he was introduced to me. Eric is from Connecticut but looks like he's straight out of Malibu Beach. He
looks like Ryan Hansen of Veronica Mars fame, though not as good looking and with shorter hair. He even made the decision to wear these obnoxious white sunglasses on his head throughout the entire ceremony. Many things were pondered about him. Did he have a surfboard back in his car? Was he a time traveler from the 80s? Things we may never find out. The Homily consisted of strange references to reading scripture in bed and the game of Life. Long, drawn out metaphors comparing real life and the game of Life were made. Everything from the pink peg and the blue peg shacking up together in the same car to arriving at Countryside Estates. I may never play the game of Life again because of this wedding. Thanks a lot.
When it came time for the Eucharist we both realized why we were seated in this area. It's because we were in the going to Hell section of the Church. I'd say there were only 3 people sitting around us who got up to get communion. Not that I have a problem with this. I think Billy Joel said it best: "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints."
After the ceremony was over and after 20 minutes of waiting for the church to unpack it was finally our turn to go through the receiving line. It is at this point where I become known to everybody as "Date Nick". We pass the mother and the father of the bride who are standing an awkward distance apart from each other, which makes me think that they're divorced. I guess that's the circle of life for ya. After them were the parents of the groom, cozied right up next to each other. That's amore. Next was the groomsmen. Erin explains that Arick's (I know right?) brother is one of them. I then peer down the line and see that there is a fellow of African-American descent in the line. I ask Erin if he is also a brother. I'm very witty. Lastly the bride and groom are met and we get to exit the church, but not before we are handed small vials of bubbles to blow on them as they leave. Damn, no rice throwing. While waiting outside for the newlyweds we are talking to Nick Alter and his girlfriend. He introduces me to her as Nick. Then adds on that this is THE Nick Rosati. She then tells me that she's heard so much about me. This creeps me out more than having to see Ray in his boxers everyday. OK, maybe not that much but you get the idea. I don't hang out with Nick Alter that much. In fact, I haven't really hung out with him since college, and not frequently even then. Why is it that my guy friends have little manfatuations with me? And why doesn't my incredible charm work on the ladies? C'est la vie. Anyways, newlyweds come out, bubbles are blown, they drive off and because there's about a 3 hour lag time between the ceremony and the reception we decide to get some delicious food at one of our favorite places: Dana's.
The first thing we see when we enter the bar is a group of thirtysomething ladies in the corner. There are presents. There are balloons. There are diapers. They're having a fucking baby shower in a college bar. I don't care that they were Xavier graduates. What kind of low class tramp do you have to be to have your baby shower at a place where people go to get wasted and make poor life decisions? We grab a pitcher and get some food and sit down. The celebration leaves and the bar is ours. We mostly chat about nonsense, but what I believe is the highlight of the conversations comes when we are each talking about our living situations. It starts off by Eric fawning over his futon, then Amanda being in a young professional sorority with 3 other girls. Erin reminisces about the offer to stay at the 1923 after college, and how that was not even an option. My turn. I talk about 1421 and how my room was incredibly small and that the room I am in now is the biggest in 4 years. I tried to make it as awkward as possible and I think I
succeeded. You see, Erin never saw my room at 1421, but Amanda did. Amanda saw a lot of it. However, during the conversation she didn't utter a single word and seemed to be more focused on her drink that usual. Awkward achieved. After a second pitcher we decided to leave in a downpour and we were off to Loveland.During the car ride over Erin and I discuss much. How she might not be here for her birthday. The plan for getting home after the reception. And what exactly is TMI when discussing a hookup. We were talking about the awkward room conversation we had at the bar and I told her that Amanda hit her head on my ceiling. Apparently this was too much for Erin. Too descriptive. Oh I'm sorry, you can talk about how you woke up and had to channel your inner Lewis and Clark to find your gold top but I can't say that someone bumped their head? Talk about a double standard. As we get to Loveland I am told that we are looking for "Old Loveland". We are looking for a certain tavern in "Old Loveland" and so we make a turn onto Main thinking that this should take us there. How wrong were we. You see, this wasn't Main Street. This was Main Avenue, a shoddy little road leading nowhere. After a couple of turn we find Loveland Avenue, which is probably their version of Main Street. We get to the tavern and meet up with Amanda and Eric for another drink. They order their drinks and get carded so I reach for my wallet. FML. I didn't have my license. In all the toga commotion of the previous night I must not have put it back in my wallet after Animations. I promptly get laughed at by Erin because that's what friends are for and order a water. While we are sitting at the bar this old couple sitting at the end strikes up
a conversation with Eric, what about I don't know but they seemed like they were having a good time, if you know what I mean. The tavern 
experience was largely uneventful except for the bartender. By day she was just your ordinary everyday bartender, but by night she was a huge nerd. She had multiple tattoos. You are asking yourself right now, "Tattoos aren't nerdy. What are you talking about?" Well, these tattoos didn't consist of a flower or a fairy or a tribal armband. These were nerd tattoos. On her arm she had a tattoo of the Superman logo overlaying a tattoo of the Batman logo. On her hand she had a tattoo of the Rebel Alliance insignia, colored red and everything. 
I think I fell in love for the first time at that bar.7 o'clock is quickly approaching and it's off to the reception. This reception was at a place called Receptions. I think the guy who came up with that was just too lazy to think of a clever name. I tell Erin that not only am I gonna open up a bar and call it Drinks, but I'm also gonna open a restaurant and call it Food. Money in the bank. We enter and find out that there's not assigned seating, so we take a seat with other phonathon people. It is at this point that we figure out that they are carding at the bar. FML #2 for the day. I then turn on my southern (Wisconsin) charm and politely ask Erin to go get me a drink. I consistently refer to her as honey, dear, sweetie, and every other lovey dovey nickname I can think of just to aggravate her. And in response I get another I'm gonna punch you in the face. But I also get my drink. Nick: 1, Erin: 0. Drinks are followed by a slideshow presenation of pictures of the bride's life, then the groom's life, then pictures of them together. How precious. I was just sitting there the whole time waiting for food. We are informed that we have to wait for the "Captain" to tell us to go. Fortunately I am awesome and am sitting at a table near the wedding party and so we are one of the first tables to eat. I grab some salad, mashed potatoes, mastaccioli and chicken parmesan. I know, superdego. I'm not a hughe fan of mashed potatoes, but I will eat them if they look good enough. However, these mashed potatoes were like a hot girl with herpes. Looks good on the outside, but once you get a taste you are fucked. These were the worst mashed potatoes I had ever had. Worst. I wash that taste out of my mouth with marinara sauce and G&Ts. After the food came the speeches by the best man and the maid of honor and then the reason I was invited to this wedding was upon us. Dancing.
Their first dance was to "I Wanna Grow Old with You" from The Wedding Singer. I declare this a good first dance song. Then came the father-daughter and mother-son dances. I tell Erin that I
think "Father of Mine" by Everclear would be an interesting father-daughter dance and that the mother-son dance should be "Mamma Mia" by ABBA. Clever me. Next came the bouquet toss and garter toss. The bouquet toss was to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. I love dancing to this song but felt it would be inappropriate for me to go out there. It was a weak toss from the bride that only made it to the first row. Disappointing. The garter toss was to "Legs" by ZZ Top. This was yet again a weak toss that only made it to the first throw. This poor couple's children are going to be so unathletic. Finally it was time for me to shine on the dance floor. The first song was a slow song. Who starts off the dancing with a slow song? This DJ was terrible. He was very old and he played way too many old songs that no one liked. Erin decided that she didn't want to dance to a slow song. We don't have that kind of relationship. However, after every. single. person. went out to dance she crumbled under the peer pressure and said we should go out there. Throughout the night much dancing was had. That were even a lot of set dances, i.e. YMCA, Chicken Dance, Electric Slide. But there was one song that came on that I didn't know had a choreographed dance to it: "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex. I thought people just put on their best hoedown performance for this song. Apparently not if you're from Indiana. This dance consisted of only moving your right leg: a step forward, pause, a step backward, pause, quick step forward, quick step backward, quick step forward, quick step backward, and finally a move I would term the "Hillbilly Kick". Turn 90 degrees. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. I did not partake. I went to the bathroom shortly after this and happen to catch the music playing from the reception going on in the next room. Coincidently they were playing two songs that also had set dances to them. As I entered the bathroom they were playing "Jump On It" by Sir Mix-A-Lot and as I exited the bathroom they were playing "Cupid Shuffle" by Cupid. Both of these choices would have been a lot better for the reception I was at because I can cut a mean rug to both of them.There was a guest appearance at the reception by none other than the Blue Blob, Xavier's most
beloved mascot. (Arick was a mascot while at Xavier). The highlight of the night was probably when I got my picture with him.As we were leaving the reception we ran into Arick and said our goodbyes and congratulations, and Erin threw out the fact that I was Ray's roommate. Apparently Arick has an odd fascination with Ray and the crazy hijinks that he gets into. He told me that I probably had some good stories for him. He was right. But I told him that this night was a special night for him and that I didn't want to give him nightmares. We left for the car to go home. I had to drive because Erin is a lush and had had too much to drink. She informed me that I was the first person other than her to drive Alexus. I'm so special. On the way home we were trying to decide if we wanted to go out somewhere or just call it a night. We opted for calling it a night and I dropped off Erin and her apartment and drove Alexus back to mine because the Monte Cristo was still at Angie's from the Beer Olympics. And that was the story of The Wedding Date.
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